Many people talk about the power of forgiveness, but today I want to focus on something that doesn’t get enough attention: the destructive power of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness is like a chain that binds you, preventing you from living the full life God Intends for You, it doesn’t just hurt the person you’re holding a grudge against—it eats away at your soul. It keeps you from living the full, abundant life God has for you.
And here’s the harsh truth: If you don’t forgive others, God will not forgive you.
Matthew 6:15 – But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
God is crystal clear on this matter. While many areas of life may be unclear or difficult, this verse leaves no ambiguity. Our hearts must be free of unforgiveness for us to experience true spiritual growth. I like what T.D. Jakes said: “Unchecked unforgiveness is a cancer to your soul. Where it starts, it doesn’t stay—it spreads everywhere.”
Isn’t that a powerful quote? So true. Unforgiveness isn’t contained. It starts in one area of your life, but soon it spreads, impacting your relationships, your peace of mind, and your spiritual walk.
The Chains of Unforgiveness: How It Affects Every Area of Your Life
When you refuse to forgive, you’re not just harming the other person—you’re locking yourself in a prison of your own making. Many people think they can carry unforgiveness and still lead healthy, productive lives. But here’s the reality: it doesn’t work that way.
If you hold unforgiveness in your heart, it affects every relationship you have. It affects how you interact with your kids, your spouse, and your friends. It impacts how you see the world and how you approach life. No matter how hard you try, it will spill over into everything.
None of us are strong enough to carry unforgiveness and expect it to stay contained in one area of our lives. Unforgiveness kills your spirit, your creativity, your joy, and even your drive. It poisons your ability to experience peace, fulfillment, and love.
Ephesians 4:31-32 – Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
When you harbor unforgiveness, you start to isolate yourself. At first, it may seem small—a little resentment here and there. But over time, it eats at you like a cancer, growing and spreading into every area of your life. It erodes your peace, relationships, and even your ability to connect with God.
The Illusion of Control: Why Unforgiveness Only Hurts You
You might think that by refusing to forgive, you’re controlling the situation. You might say, “I will not forgive that person. They don’t deserve it.” But what you don’t realize is that this unforgiveness is actually controlling you. The person who hurt you has moved on, living their life, while you remain imprisoned by bitterness. You’re letting them control your thoughts, your emotions, and your peace.
Think about it: the person you’re holding a grudge against is probably not even aware of the weight you’re carrying. You’re allowing them to take up valuable space in your mind and heart, robbing you of joy and purpose. Isn’t it time to take control of your own life and your own future?
God doesn’t want you to live like this. He doesn’t want you bound by the chains of unforgiveness. He wants to set you free.
Mark 11:25 – And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.
Forgiveness isn’t about letting them off the hook—it’s about setting yourself free. Don’t let someone else’s actions have the final say over your peace. Take back that power and walk in the freedom God has for you.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Always Mean Reconciliation
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean giving them unlimited access to your life. There’s a misconception that if you truly forgive, you must restore the relationship to how it once was. But the truth is, forgiveness and boundaries can coexist. In fact, sometimes the most loving thing you can do—for yourself and for the other person—is to forgive from a distance.
Years ago, before my molester passed away, I pulled them aside and told them I forgave them. I knew I had to do it to release the anger and bitterness that had been weighing me down. It wasn’t easy—far from it—but once I spoke those words, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. There was a freedom I hadn’t known before. Forgiving them didn’t erase the pain, but it gave me peace and protected my sanity. It was worth it.
But forgiveness didn’t mean I let my guard down. I forgave them for my own healing, but I was clear that they would never have access to my children. Forgiveness doesn’t cancel the need for wisdom and boundaries. Just because I released the bitterness doesn’t mean I forgot what happened or ignored the responsibility I have to protect those I love. Some doors are meant to stay closed, even when forgiveness has taken place.
Jesus teaches us to forgive, but He also demonstrates the importance of wisdom and discernment in relationships. You can release the bitterness and anger from your heart without reopening a door that God has already closed. Forgiveness frees you from the burden of resentment, but it doesn’t obligate you to continue unhealthy or toxic relationships.
Proverbs 4:23 – Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Guarding your heart sometimes means protecting yourself from further harm. You can forgive someone fully and still recognize that their presence in your life may not be beneficial or safe. This isn’t a lack of forgiveness—it’s stewardship over the peace and healing God has given you. Trust God to lead you in deciding which relationships can be restored and which ones need space for growth and healing.
Forgiving Yourself: The Hardest Step
The hardest person to forgive might not be someone else—it might be yourself. We all make mistakes, and sometimes the greatest challenge is letting go of the guilt and shame we carry. If you’re holding unforgiveness against yourself for past failures, it’s quietly destroying you from the inside out.
When you can’t forgive yourself, you stay stuck. You stop trusting your own decisions and feel unworthy of God’s grace. This kind of unforgiveness becomes a roadblock, preventing you from stepping into the future God has for you.
I believe forgiving yourself isn’t a one-time event—it’s a process that happens continually because none of us are perfect. There have been many moments in my life where I’ve had to release myself through forgiveness—not just from 19 years of addiction, but from the affairs in my first marriage and the countless wrong choices I’ve made along the way. Even today, I sometimes catch myself questioning my actions and wrestling with guilt.
But here’s what I’ve learned—the goal isn’t to eliminate guilt altogether. Feeling guilt can be a sign that your heart is still tender and responsive to God. It means you’re paying attention to His guidance. The real danger comes when guilt disappears completely. When that happens, it often means your heart has hardened. God uses that guilt not to condemn you, but to lead you back to Him and refine you.
Here’s the truth—God has already forgiven you. He stands ready to restore, heal, and move you forward. You don’t have to keep carrying the weight of your past because He’s already let it go.
1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Breaking the Chains: How to Start the Forgiveness Process
Forgiveness isn’t always easy, but it’s the key to breaking free from the destructive power of unforgiveness. Here’s how you can begin the process of forgiving and finding freedom:
- Ask God to Reveal Unforgiveness in Your Heart: Ask God to show you any areas where you’re holding onto bitterness. You may think you’ve forgiven, but sometimes unforgiveness hides deep within.
- Pray for Strength to Forgive: Forgiveness doesn’t always come naturally, so ask God for the strength to forgive those who have hurt you. Remember, with God, all things are possible.
- Choose to Forgive: Forgiveness is a decision. You may not feel ready to forgive, but you must choose to do it. Your feelings will catch up with your decision.
- Forgive Yourself: Don’t just forgive others—make sure you forgive yourself. Release yourself from the guilt and shame that have kept you bound.
- Take Action (If Needed): If God leads you to reconcile with someone, take the step. This may involve reaching out to someone who has wronged you or apologizing to someone you’ve hurt. Follow God’s guidance and act in obedience.
Finding Freedom Through Forgiveness
When you choose forgiveness, you are breaking the chains of unforgiveness and stepping into freedom. This is where true healing begins. God wants to take you to new levels of purpose, but first, you have to deal with the chains that are holding you back.
Luke 4:18 – “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed.”
Forgiveness is the key to healing your broken heart. It’s the key to setting you free from the oppression of unforgiveness and opening the door to God’s healing and restoration.
Final Thoughts: The Freedom You Deserve
Forgiveness is not just for the person who wronged you. It’s for you. It’s the key to unlocking the life God has designed for you. When you choose to forgive, you break the chains that have bound you. You step into freedom, healing, and purpose.
Romans 8:1 – “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.”
Remember, you are free in Christ. Choose to walk in that freedom today, and let go of the chains of unforgiveness.
Reflection & Lessons:
- Forgiveness is freedom: The longer you hold onto unforgiveness, the more it controls your life. Choose to forgive and experience true freedom.
- God’s forgiveness is essential: You can’t move forward until you’ve accepted God’s forgiveness for your past and forgiven yourself.
- The process of forgiveness is ongoing: Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a daily decision to release bitterness and walk in peace.
- God has a purpose for you: Unforgiveness keeps you stuck in the past. Let go of the chains so God can move you into the purpose He has for you.
Take that step today. Break the chains. Find the freedom God has already given you.