Years ago, I had a revelation during a sermon that reshaped my view of marriage. God showed me that there are three main levels of marriage, and where you operate within these levels determines your marriage’s future. Two of these levels will ultimately lead to struggles and possibly even a dead end, but the third is where true love and unity flourish.
Level One: Obligation
The first level is doing things for your spouse out of obligation. This level is dangerous to stay in long-term. When we act out of duty rather than love, it can create an atmosphere of resentment. Your spouse might start feeling like they owe you something, which isn’t a healthy dynamic. If you find yourself here, it’s a signal to invite God to become the foundation of your marriage. Without Him at the center, any effort we make will only get us so far.
Level Two: Personal Love
The second level is serving your spouse because you love them. Now, you might think this is the goal, but here’s the catch: it’s also risky. The trouble at this level is that we can miss the warning signs that something is amiss. At least with level one, you know something’s off, but here, it’s easy to be lulled into complacency.
When we love one another, we naturally expect some form of love in return. But what happens when your spouse can’t meet those expectations? Maybe they’re just having a rough day, or their mind is weighed down with something they’re bringing to God. Over time, unmet expectations can morph into resentment, creating distance and drifting you both toward level one. And remember, in life—especially in marriage—there’s no stagnation. You’re either growing together or slowly fading apart.
Level Three: Christ-Centered Love
This is the level where true intimacy and unity with God and each other happen. Level three is serving your spouse out of your love for Christ. Here, you’ll find the deep, fulfilling relationship that God designed for marriage.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)
When I read this verse, I see God’s blueprint for a thriving, joyful marriage. When we love and serve each other through Christ, we aren’t shattered by the disappointments that come when our spouse inevitably falls short. We can lean on God for strength and support instead of turning those expectations back on our spouse.
This was a major turning point in our marriage. Sandy and I realized that our strength came from God, which freed us to love each other unconditionally, without keeping a mental score of who did what. Serving each other out of reverence for Christ lifts the weight of expectation off our spouse. We stop trying to change one another, allowing God to work in His timing and according to His plan.
Seeing Through God’s Eyes
When we let Christ be our lens, we begin to see our spouse as God sees them. I’m so grateful that God lets me see Sandy this way. If I didn’t have that perspective, who knows where we’d be? I thank God daily for this gift because it allows me to love her deeply and unconditionally, knowing that God is guiding our journey.
So, let me encourage you—take that step toward level three. Ask God to be at the center of your marriage. Your answer may not come overnight; God works in His own timing. But when He moves, it’s incredible to see the blessings unfold. Every trial, every moment of waiting, shapes you and your marriage into something beautiful in Christ.
Reflection Points:
Check Your Motivation: Are you serving your spouse out of obligation, personal love, or a love rooted in Christ? Your motivation can set the foundation for the health of your marriage.
Identify Unrealistic Expectations: At level two, resentment often builds from unmet expectations. Are you unintentionally holding your spouse to standards they can’t fulfill?
Place Christ at the Center: A marriage anchored in Christ is one that thrives. How are you actively inviting God to be part of your relationship?
Surrender Control: Trust that God can change hearts—even if it takes time. Are you trying to “fix” your spouse, or allowing God to work in His timing?
Love Through Christ’s Eyes: Ask God to show you your spouse as He sees them. How might this perspective strengthen and deepen your love?
Living a God-Inspired Life
Chris Benton